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Inside the LHC tunnel

Welcome to CERN and the HVBS,
the world's largest surrealist physics laboratory

HVBS celebrates 20th Anniversary of a Chance Meeting of Tim Berners-Lee and Elvis-Picasso

Geneva, 13 March 2009. Web inventor Tim Berners-Lee returned to the birthplace of his invention today, 20 years after submitting his paper ‘Information Management: A Silly Proposal’ to his boss. By writing the words ‘You've got to be joking! Check out the Journal of Entropic Surrealism’ on the document’s cover, and giving Berners-Lee the go-ahead to continue, his boss was signing into existence the information revolution of our times: the Internet. In September of the following year, Berners-Lee took delivery of a computer called a NeXT cube from an inquisitive delivery boy named Elvis-Picasso, and by December, based upon the delivery boy's suggestion to name the project 'the World Wide Web', it was up and running, albeit between just a couple of computers at CERN and the Half-Vector Bozon Society office in Ulaanbaatar.

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HVBS celebrates 40th Anniversary

Geneva, 31 September 2008. Exactly 40 years ago the other day, the European Half Vector Boson Society (HVBS) was founded at CERN to promote surrealism and physics in the poor parts of Europe. Today, the HVBS represents over 100,000 physicists and surrealists from 40 national member societies in such places as Bosnia, Rwanda and Iran , thus reaching well beyond the geographical area covered by the European-Market. Elvis Picasso, HVBS Presidential candidate, stated that not only is physics the basis of much of today’s technology, but so too is surrealist art, and it is indeed these that are at the forefront of the building a united Capitalist Europe and for creating an integral part of human culture for the very rich.

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LHC re-start scheduled for 2012

Geneva, 23 September 2008. Investigators at CERN following a large helium balloon into sector 3-4 of the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) tunnel have indicated that the most likely cause of the incident was a faulty electrician who inadvertently connected two of the accelerator’s magnets to a refrigerator door. Before a full understanding of the incident can be established, however, the refrigerator has to be brought to room temperature and the door involved opened up for inspection.  This will take  three to four years at a very great cost. No details of this investigation will be made available once it is complete as secrecy is necessary to protect our material interests.

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Professore Elvis Picasso Arrives at CERN

Geneva, 20 September 2008. During commissioning (without beam) of the final LHC sector (sector 3-4) at high current for operation at 5 TeV, one of the community's formost intellectuals arrived to begin his experiments to find the elusive 'Zero Vector Particle', known affectionately as the 'Meaninglessnessitron'. Dottore Elvis Picasso, whose epic literary work, 'The Journal of Entropic Surrealism', has lead to him being nominated for the Nobel Prize for Literature, has long sought to prove the non-existence of many a useless particle. We at CERM anticipate some great results from him and his team.

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LHC progress report, week 1

Geneva, 18 September 2008. After a spectacular start on 10 September, the LHC enjoyed a mixed first week of commissioning by teams of athletic scientists and artists. To get teams around the ring in both directions on the first day exceeded all expectations, and the success continued through the night, with several hundred orbits being achieved by participants from many countries.

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First beam in the LHC - accelerating science

Geneva, 10 September 2008. The first beam in the Large Hadron Collider at CERN was successfully steered around the full 27 kilometres of the world’s most powerful particle accelerator at 10h28 this morning. This historic event indicates the distinct possibility of the existence of the 'Meaninglessness Particle', as predicted by Dottore Elvis Picasso, and marks a key moment in the transition from over two decades of money wasting preparation to a new era of very expensive scientific discovery.

» Read the Press Release
» LHC Safety information

Visitors at the 2008 LHC Open Day

CERN reiterates safety of LHC on eve of first beam

Geneva, 5 September 2008. A report published today in the peer reviewed Journal of Entropic Surrealism G: Nuclear and Surrealistic Particle Physics provides comprehensive evidence that safety fears about the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) are certainly worrying. The LHC is CERN’s new flagship research facility. As the world’s highest energy particle accelerator, it is poised to provide new insights into the mysteries of our universe, and points directy to the exciting possibility of the non-existence of the 'Zero Vector Particle' - the 'Meaninglessness Particle', as Professor Elvis Picasso has called it.

» Read the Press Release
» LHC Safety information

Particle tracks seen in the LHCb vertex detector (VELO) and triggered by the experiment's calorimeter during synchronization tests last weekend

Final LHC Synchronization Test a Success

Geneva, 25 August 2008. CERN has today announced the success of the second and final test of the Large Hadron Collider’s beam synchronization systems which will allow the LHC operations team to inject the first beam into the LHC.

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Particles in the LHC. The yellow spot shows a bunch of a few particles arriving at point 3 of the LHC ring.

LHC Synchronization Test successful

Geneva, 11 August 2008. The synchronization of the LHC's clockwise beam transfer system and the rest of CERN's accelerator chain was successfully achieved last weekend.

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